With the prevalence of divorce and the presence of divorced persons in our lives, it sounds like we have a tough decision to make: Jesus or our divorced family member, Jesus or our friend who has had a divorce. And given that Jesus is invisible and loves us unconditionally and our divorced relative or friend is close by, we quietly ignore what Jesus has to say and take care of our loved one.
I can assure you, Jesus loves people who have had a divorce. He saw their whole life while he was on the cross and chose to remain there. And in that act of love he shows us that there’s no depth of suffering we can reach that he hasn’t exceeded, and therefore that he’s always with us. Jesus is with us in our sorrow and grief in life. And where Jesus is, his Church is too.
I can assure you, the Church also loves people who have had a divorce. As a priest, I have the privilege of helping such people to find healing and accompanying them through the annulment process. Their grief is apparent: none of them on their wedding day chose to have a divorce too. But this outcome is the reality, unplanned as it may be, and we all come to God hoping he makes much of us.
So, we don’t have to choose between Jesus and our loved ones who have had a divorce. We choose both, love both, and serve both in hope.
Our twenty-first century ears pick up the Lord’s teaching differently to how it was first heard. The disciples take up the Pharisees’ question back in the house, after Jesus has taught them. They heard his teaching as overturning Moses’ tolerance of divorce: according to Jesus, a man could no longer give his wife a document to end the marriage, he could no longer do what the Law permits.
The conclusions to be drawn from the ancient Jewish practice is that the spouses weren’t equal in fact and that marriage could be bent out of shape to serve just the man’s interests. Well might we wonder how many women were subjugated to their husbands for as long as she pleased him, or how many women were made homeless because they no longer did, or how many children were sent into poverty because their father decided his wife, their mother wasn’t up to scratch.
This is unjust. And not just unjust, it’s also a lie. From the beginning, God made male and female human beings, and one man and one woman join together to become one body. There will be trials in marriage; the Lord foresaw these from his cross. But his teaching removes the looming threat of poverty after divorce on the whim of the husband alone, not to mention other disastrous consequences of tolerating temporary marriage.
So what of divorce among us? How might we live the Lord’s teaching as good news for human life and love? We know we don’t have to choose between Jesus and our loved ones who have had a divorce, but how do we keep ourselves loyal to both?
Let me make the suggestion, gently and respectfully, that our society takes a hard look at the causes of divorce as they might be appear even on the wedding day. We need to look at the spouses’ intention to enter into marriage and their capacity to do so, which is more than saying we look at the spouses alone.
For example, the impact of chronic loneliness on the choice of spouse shouldn’t be underestimated. We’re living in a time in which social isolation is common, and opportunities to mix socially with strangers of both sexes are much less common than before. We might ask what cultural supports need to be in place so that people have an opportunity to form many friendships of differing strengths, and so to discern marriage with a particular person as an exclusive kind of friendship within a circle of supportive friends and family. Relatedly, what needs doing so that people who live with a mental illness receive dignified support to enable clear sight in marriage discernment? A spouse isn’t a cure for illness or trauma, though we can be sure a good spouse will be a great support in a person’s healing process.
Also, what cultural renewal needs to be effected so that our lovebirds and newlyweds have lots of quality, positive contact with happily married people of all ages? What if any helps to tested or struggling couples can our culture provide when serial monogamy is not just tolerated but expected?
We never pit Jesus’ teachings against our loved ones’ lived realities; we don’t have to. Love and acceptance for all is there; we are here for everyone. We do have to take a hard look at the kind of people our culture turns out and be ready to change it. This will be so that our brides and grooms have a sound intention and the sure capacity to live the permanence of marriage which our Redeemer so wisely teaches.
Fr Paul Rowse, OP
Parish Priest
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