We all get hot under the collar because of someone’s actions. But it’s not always good to let them know how we’re feeling.
Frustration or anger alone isn’t just cause to have a go at them. Often we don’t know the person or the situation well enough to make a call. When we hear about “the blind leading the blind”, the Lord is referring to all of us. Do we really think so highly of ourselves that we can read a person’s intentions, see into their heart? Where do we think we got those powers from? Jesus our Master says we’re only ever going to be like him – which means we’re going to be dislike him too. We’re never going to surpass his perfect insight into the human heart.
So, we have to be on guard against that part of ourselves which would find relief and even satisfaction at venting. If we vent our frustration, we’ve misfired. We can even develop a confirmation bias: our neighbour so irritates us that even their good actions irritate us too. In that case, we’d be a rotten tree producing rotten fruit. We can hardly see our own faults properly, let alone the faults of others.
Generally speaking, it’s better to forebear with one another. And that’s because we’re equals. Our annoying or wrongheaded neighbour is just as much God’s noble creation as we are. So, Christ says we should love our neighbour, without qualifying what sort of neighbour he means. Scripture also says we should bear one another’s burdens.
There are, however, two important exceptions I can think of to this default of forbearance; you might think of some others: they are safety and sin. It doesn’t seem right to allow someone to carry on who is a threat to person. If someone is in serious danger to personal safety or is on track to be, we should engage in order to save. The other exception is sin.
Not forbearing sin is tricky because we’re all guilty and our powers of observation are compromised. That equality in dignity corresponds with another equality of a sort, in iniquity. It means that the charge of hypocrisy might come as much from our guilty friend as from Christ in the Gospel. We are unworthy of correcting each other. Correcting each other might also involve showing off or pride. We don’t want to make a bad situation worse. That would be our opportunity to pray for them, do penance for them, carry out charitable and prayerful service for them.
How to engage the guilty remains a thorny question. Before we engage the guilty about their sinfulness, we need to repent, lest we be condemned out of our own mouths. And if we’re guilty of the same sin as our guilty friend, then we should humbly confess our sin to them and invite them to join us in repentance: “I noticed you’re struggling with this sin; I am too. How about we go to confession together to sort this out?”
We might try setting up some conditions before we engage the guilty. I have two I can think of, and there might be others as well. Firstly, correction should be about a grave sin, the kind of sin that would put eternal happiness in jeopardy. If our friend isn’t guilty of a grave sin, do consider whether forbearance isn’t a better way forward. Secondly, to engage the guilty there should be a reasonable hope they’ll change their ways. That hope will be all the stronger if we’re credible witnesses to the Gospel ourselves, relatively close to them, and undoubtedly kind-hearted.
In any correction, we’re motivated by charity, by love of neighbour. We’re not going to turn ourselves into justice avengers or smug healers. We’re not above others, but we hope to be with them and hope to have them with us. If the right conditions are in place, starting with our own repentance, only then might we consider reaching out to seek the good of the guilty.
Fr Paul Rowse, OP
Parish Priest